June 28th, 2004
|padfooturban||06:45 pm - Padfoot Prohibited|
Here it is Wormy....
|PG-13 - English - Humor/General - Reviews: 131 - Published: 04-19-04 - Updated: 06-28-04 |
If I get sued it's your fault.
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: The "Pump,PumpPump,Pump,Pump" song from the commercial
Chapter 1 Mom's Assignment
Chapter 1 Mom's Assignment
"Black!" shouted Professor McGonagall impatiently.
Sirius' head snapped up from his desk where he was doodling.
"You might want to listen to this."
"Mom," Sirius paused for dramatic effect as a few of his classmates snickered. James, Peter, and Remus, who were seated around him, merely rolled their eyes. "I hate to disappoint you, but I think I already know all there is to know about advanced transfiguration."
Professor McGonagall inwardly grinned, but outwardly grimaced. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Mr. Black, just for lack of energy. You might want to pay attention to this if you're interested in leaving your..." McGonagall choked out the last few words, "...legacy behind."
Sirius arched an eyebrow and looked sideways at James.
Professor McGonagall continued. "Now, as I was saying, as seventh years, you will all be required to compose a letter to incoming first years before you will be allowed to graduate. You could include anything from a list of general tips that helped you succeed in your studies, helpful information about teachers and classes, or even a list of things not to do at Hogwarts. Be creative and helpful. Think of yourself as a first year, completely clueless as to what goes on inside the Hogwarts Castle. They will be due before you take your N.E.W.T.s at the end of the term. Yes, Mr. Potter?" asked McGonagall, noticing James' outstretched hand.
Re: Chapter 1 Mom's Assignment
"Is this an english class now, Mom?"
Once again McGonagall tried to overlook the name. She was obviously getting tired of reprimanding them. "This isn't for me, Potter. It's a general requirement that Dumbledore has asked all seventh year students to complete this year before they graduate."
"I'm Head Boy, how is it that I didn't know about this?"
"Perhaps Black's inattentiveness has rubbed off on you."
James laughed out loud. "That's for sure. Look what you've done, Padfoot!"
Sirius put on his trademark faultless face and crossed his arms in front of him. "It's your own fault, Jamesey. If you didn't idolize me so much, and try to copy every single thing I do..."
"Alright, gentlemen, we get the point," interrupted McGonagall. "Would you like to continue your discussion in detention tonight?"
"No, Professor," said Sirius harmoniously with James' "Sorry, Professor."
"Good. Are there any other questions on this matter?" The class fell silent. "Thank Merlin. Class dismissed."
"How was transfiguration?" asked Lily, meeting them in the second floor corridor.
"James almost got me put in detention again," teased Sirius.
Lily rolled her eyes. "What did you do this time, Sirius?"
Sirius scoffed. "Me?"
"Lily, did you hear about that letter we're supposed to right for first years?" asked James.
"The one Professor Dumbledore was talking about last week? Sounds like fun, huh?"
Peter laughed. "She's right, Prongs. You don't pay attention."
"And you do?" asked James.
"Padfoot, are you feeling alright? Looks to me like you're thinking," said Remus, watching Sirius out of the corner of his eye.
"Don't be ridiculous, Moony," said Sirius. "I'm just hungry."
"Anyone else wanna go straight to the Great Hall?" asked Remus.
"I gotta get my potions done," said James.
"Me too," agreed Peter.
"Oh yeah," remembered Sirius, following them to the Gryffindor common room.
Half an hour later, James, Remus, Peter, and Lily had risen from their comfy seats by the fire to head down to dinner. They turned around to see Sirius concentrating heavily on his essay.
"Padfoot?" asked James.
Sirius reluctantly tore his eyes from the parchment in front of him.
"I just have a bit to finish up. I'll be down in a minute, guys," he told them all.
"Need help?" offered James.
Sirius shook his head. When they had all crawled through the portrait hole, he continued to write:
Dear First Years,
Soon your teachers will be telling you my story, the story of the mischievous Sirius Black and his partner in crime, James Potter. They will warn you not to wander down the path of pranks and detentions, as I have. I am proud of what The Marauders have accomplished, and therefore, wanted to leave you with something to remember us by. I am giving you a list of things that I am no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts, which you all should consider doing on a regular basis to remind our dear teachers what they're missing:
1 - Not allowed to threaten anyone with "BLACK" magic.
2 - Not allowed to give myself or any other human on the premises of Hogwarts, especially Severus Snape, magical breast implants.
3 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
4 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets serve detention for me.
5 - Not allowed to refer to Headmaster Dumbldore as "Dad."
6 - Not allowed to refer to Professor McGonagall as "Mom."
7 - If the thought of something makes either myself or James Potter giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
8 - Not allowed to....
Chapter 2 Planning Ahead
Chapter 2 Planning Ahead
"I'm just sayin, Prongs," said Sirius as he and James were walking down the seventh floor corridor, "It used to be all," he changed to his most feminine voice, "'James Potter, I'd rather eat shit and die than go out with you'," he returned to his normal voice, "and now it's like," back to the girly voice, "'Oh, Jamesey, I loooooove you. Oh, Jamesey, I neeeeeeed you. Oh, Jamesey, I can't live without you...'"
"I think you're exaggerating just a little bit there, Padfoot," replied James.
"Whatever, man. All I'm sayin is like we leave school for the summer and you come back and she's all over you. And you never even told me how it happened when you had no problem telling me every little detail about all the other girls."
"It's different with her, Sirius. It's not just about that. I love her."
Sirius stuck out his tongue and made a gagging sound as he rolled his eyes and scrunched up his face. "Listen to yourself, Jay! Are you aware you just used the "L" word?"
"I'm sorry, Padfoot, I can't help it. Laugh now, but it'll happen to you whether you want it to or not."
"Oh no it won't!" Sirius stopped walking and stared adamantly into his best friend's eyes. "Sirius Black does not fall in love! Sirius Black has never loved anything! Sirius Black is a player and he's proud of it!"
It was James' turn to roll his eyes. "Why is Sirius Black referring to himself in the third person?"
The two of them laughed together as they came to a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy and a bunch of trolls wearing pink tu-tu's. They continued walking past the tapestry and then turned and backtracked past it again. Looking as though they were concentrating very hard, they did this two more times. A polished door with a brass handle appeared on the wall opposite the tapestry and Sirius twisted the doorknob as the trolls in the tapestry started voilently clubbing their supposed ballet teacher.
As they entered the cozy little room they froze. Remus was already there, but he was obviously unaware of their presence. He was singing at the top of his lungs as he searched through a large bowl filled with ice and bottles of different flavored butterbeer.
(A/N: Yes, they have more than one flavor. And by the way, if you don't get the troll tu-tu thing, read Order of the Phoenix again, or ask in your review and I'll explain.)
He sang, "If you hear em howlin around your kitchen door, you better not let em in. Little old lady got mutilated late last night, werewolves of London again. Ahh-ooh, werewolves of London. Ahh-oooooooh. Ahh-ooh, werewolves of London. Ahh--AHHH!"
He suddenly let out a shriek as he caught sight of James and Sirius snickering in the doorway. His face instantly turned red. James and Sirius laughed loudly and clapped, begging for an encore. Despite his bright red face, Remus smiled and bowed grandly. Sirius issued red roses from his wand and threw them at Remus.
"You make that up, Moony?" asked James.
Re: Chapter 2 Planning Ahead
"Nah, it's a muggle song. I kinda like it," he grinned.
"Yeah, fits you perfect," agreed Sirius with a smile. He also dug through the bowl and pulled out a raspberry butterbeer. He twisted open the cap and downed the entire bottle in one swig. "Where's Pete?"
Remus shrugged his shoulders. "Probably forgot how to get in again," he rolled his eyes. "I'll go check."
He went to the door and opened it. There was Peter standing there with his back to the door, scratching his head. Remus let out one short laugh.
"Hey Wormtail, you planning on comin in sometime this week?"
Peter jumped and spun around. "Oh no, I just forgot how you get into this room again."
Peter stepped into the room and Remus let the door close. The room was filled with couches and recliners, with bookshelfs along the walls. In the very center of the room was a circular couch with a circular desk in the middle containing rolls of parchment and quills on it. There was also another section that had every type of junk food you could imagine as well as the icebowl filled with every flavor of butterbeer.
"How about I tattoo it on your forehead for ya?" shouted Sirius, tossing his empty butterbeer bottle into a transparent box, where it promptly disappeared.
"But then how would I read it?" joked Peter.
"Okay, I'll tattoo it on your forehead and shove a mirror up your butt."
James made a face and hit Sirius across the chest.
"What?" demanded Sirius. "I was just kidding, Wormtail. I'd shrink the mirror first, obviously."
Remus and Peter laughed. "But would he remember how to blow it up again?" teased Remus.
Peter shrugged. "Doubtful."
Sirius laughed and put his arm around Peter, leading him to the large semi-circle couch that was in the middle of the room. The four of them sat around it, looking pensive.
"Gentlemen, this Marauder Meeting is now called to order," proclaimed Sirius, suddenly sounding more like his first name would suggest. "Marauder Moony, what's the status on our next...excursion into the wild?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Excursion into the wild? Are you referring to the next time there's a full moon, or the next Care of Magical Creatures field trip?"
"Oh, don't get so huffy! When is it, mate? It's gotta be coming up."
"Friday," replied Remus.
"Friday. So...any ideas?"
Chapter 3 Midnight Serenade
Chapter 3 Midnight Serenade
"But Professor, couldn't I just sleep in another dormitory? They're out to get me!" Sirius clung to Professor McGonagall like a five year old frightened of the dark.
"Mr. Black, for the last time, there are no evil clowns living under your bed! Now stop waking me up!" exclaimed Professor McGonagall, wearing a lime green housecoat, slippers, and cap. She gave Sirius a quick shove out of her office and slammed the door.
"But Mom! Couldn't I just sleep in the girls dorms?" whined Sirius. "I'm deathly afraid of clowns, especially evil ones!"
"Goodnight, Mr. Black!" screech McGonagall through the door.
Sirius smiled widely as he threw an invisiblity cloak around his shoulders and made his way back to his dorm. He heard a menacing meow behind him and turned to see Mrs. Norris running towards him. She could not see him, but he knew she could sense his presence.
While still under the cloak, he transformed into a large black dog and waited for her to swat at the cloak, snagging it off of him. Not daring to growl and alert her master, Filch, he merely barred his teeth threateningly. Mrs. Norris froze and drew herself up to full height. Padfoot raised a paw and struck Mrs. Norris rather gently in the belly, sending her sliding a few feet backwards. She spit at him and then retreated quickly down the hall to fetch her master.
Transforming only to pick up the cloak and throw it around himself again, he muttered under his breath, "Merlin, that felt good," and then returned to dog form in case she came back for a rematch.
James and Peter were waiting for Sirius anxiously. He entered the room in dog form with the cloak still around him and then as he let it slip off, he transformed into himself again.
"Why were you in animagus form?" asked James, freezing as he saw the door open.
"Had to head off Mrs. Norris," answered Sirius. "I rather enjoyed it."
"Well?" asked James, galloping excitedly around the room.
"Did you get detention?" asked Peter, equally excited.
"Nope," Sirius shrugged. "But at least I got another thing to add to my list!" He happily bounded over to his bedside table and scribled on the piece of parchment that was there. "Whose turn is it?"
"Mine," said James bravely. "Was she really P.O.ed?"
Sirius laughed. "Don't know what she was so upset about, myself. It's a Saturday! She doesn't hafta get up early to teach or anything."
"Teachers are always up at the crack of dawn, Padfoot, no matter what day it is," reminded James. "We found that out in our fourth year, remember?"
"Okay, Prongs, I got one," said Sirius, ignoring James' comment.
Peter, and James leaned forward as though hanging on Sirius' every word.
"Go down to the hospital wing and serenade Moony."
"What?" protested James. "What do I have to sing this time?"
"Your choice. But it better be good, or it'll be Professor Pitstain next time," warned Sirius with a smirk.
"It's Professor Pintaine, Sirius," corrected Peter.
"Isn't that what I said?" asked Sirius innocently. "Oh, that reminds me..." He again began to scribble on his piece of parchment.
"Alright," said James, getting up and picking his invisibility cloak from the floor where Sirius had dropped it.
They snuck down to the hospital wing quietly, without running into problems. Once inside the ward, Sirius quickly popped his head into Madam Pomfrey's office, found it empty, and gave James a silent thumbs up. He crept along the empty beds until he came to Remus' usual spot.
Remus had kicked off the covers and was sleeping in a rather odd position. His legs formed a "4" - his right leg straight out and the left bent at the knee touching his right knee with his left foot. His arms were around his head, gripping his pillow at the top. He looked as though he were about ready to put on his pink ballet slippers and do a few pirouettes.
James was struck with a sudden inspiration, seeing Remus in his ballerina pose. He began to sing, "You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah."
Re: Chapter 3 Midnight Serenade
Remus' eyes suddenly fluttered open and he broke into a smile, beginning to laugh. Sirius and Peter began to dance across the ward as James' continued singing.
"You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen." James trailed off. "...I don't know the rest of the words."
"That's okay, man, really," said Remus, sitting up and digging in his ear.
Realizing the music was over, Sirius brought Peter up from their dip and wandered over to the bed next to Remus'. He plopped down on it, crossed his feet, and placed his hands behind his head.
"So, feeling better?" asked Sirius.
"Just thought we'd cheer you up," explained James.
"Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let us in this morning," Peter added.
"Well, I would have been mortally offended if you guys had actually let me get a good night sleep to recover," teased Remus. "Whose turn is it now?"
"Mine," said Peter, shifting nervously at the foot of Remus' bed.
"Any detentions yet?"
"We're not doing it for detentions this time," said Sirius, "we're doing it for research."
"Research?" asked Remus.
"Yes, for my Hogwarts essay."
"Oooh, right," said Remus. "How's it coming?"
"Well, I got a few more," said Sirius. He fished in a back pocket of his robes and handed Remus the parchment.
13 - Not allowed to fall in love with Madam Pomfrey.
14 - Not allowed to send anonymous love letters or fanmail to Professors.
15 - There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
16 - Not allowed to ask Professor Pintaine if he's been smoking crack.
Remus read the new additions silently, with a grin plastered on his face. "By the way, I think Pomfrey has the hots for you, Sirius."
"Nah, she just thinks I'm funny," said Sirius, waving a hand in the air and then running it through his hair as he laid back on the hospital bed.
"Yeah? Well she asked me if you were keeping out of trouble. You know that's disgusting, don't you?"
"What's disgusting? She's only like twenty-five."
"And you're seventeen!" reasoned Remus.
"Lupin, relax!" shouted James. "He's kidding."
"No, I'm not; she's twenty-five! I asked her!" justified Sirius.
"Just for the record, Sirius. There's nothing going on, right? I honestly wouldn't put it past you," said Remus, half joking.
Sirius put on his faultless face. "Hey, I may be easy, but I am not sleezy!" Then his expression turned solemn. "Seriously, no, guys. If I wanted an older woman I'd go for McGonagall."
Remus rolled his eyes and chucked a pillow at Sirius. His reflexes quick, Sirius brought his foot up and kicked the pillow into the air. He, James, and Remus followed it up and back down as it landed on top of Peter's head.
Chapter 4 Slytherian Skirmish
Chapter 4 Slytherian Skirmish
"Alright, I thought we needed to get a practice in before our--" James quickly scanned the locker room full of Quidditch practice robes and noticed one missing. "Where the hell is Sirius?"
The rest of the team shrugged in answer. James sighed and headed for the door, speaking over his shoulder. "Go ahead and start warming up. I'll go find the ladies' man."
He found Sirius in the fourth floor corridor charming some blonde fifth year whose I.Q. closely resembled her age. He ran a finger through her long curls as he gave a pompous laugh. The girl followed suit with her own glass-shattering, high-pitched giggles. James rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. Sirius turned and gave a look of death to the intruder.
"Forgetting something, stud?" asked James, leaning on a suit of armor in the corner.
Sirius gave his best friend an questioning look. "No, I think I can handle this one on my own, Jamesey."
James gave him a fake smile and shifted the broomstick he was carrying from his left to his right shoulder.
"Dammit!" exclaimed Sirius. "Right now?"
"Afraid so," said James, turning and walking back down the corridor. "I'll meet you on the field."
"Hey, wait up!" called Sirius, leaving the blonde behind without so much as a backward glance. James paused so Sirius could catch up to him.
"I'm not even gonna ask," informed James as they headed toward the Quidditch pitch.
"Good." They walked in silence until the pitch came into view. "Um, Prongs, are we having a scrimmage with Slytherin today?"
"Huh?" asked James, stopping to look at Sirius.
"Cuz that's what it looks like to me," continued Sirius, pointing to the field. The two of them broke into a run.
"Rosier!" growled James as they stepped onto the pitch. "What are you doing on my pitch?"
The whole of the Slytherin Quidditch team turned to glare at James. The ugliest of them stepped forward.
"I booked the pitch for today, Potter. I was just asking your little team...do you call yourself a team?" a smirk formed around his lips, "...the same question," responded Rosier.
"Don't give me that shit. I've had it booked every thursday since the season started!"
"Every thursday except today," replied Rosier calmly.
"You son of a--" James stopped in the middle of his sentence and he reached into his robes and noticed his wand had gone missing.
Sirius put a hand on his shoulder, twirling James' wand between his fingers. James just stared at him for an explanation.
"I got a better idea, Prongs. Imagine this: you hex Rosier, or maybe the whole bloody team even, they tell Madam Hooch, and we get kicked off the pitch. Not the most brilliant plan in the whole world, but it's to be expected from a Slytherin."
James continued to stare at his best friend. "Sirius, you scare me sometimes when you live up to your name."
Sirius ignored yet another pun about his first name and turned to the Slytherin team. "We'll play ya for it."
A smile slowly spread across Rosier's face. "You wanna play us?"
"Hardly seems fair, Sirius," joked Charlie.
Sirius turned around to wink at him, then turned back to the Slytherins expectantly. "Well? You game, Rosier?"
Re: Chapter 4 Slytherian Skirmish
Rosier scoffed arrogantly. "You sure you wanna do this, Black?"
Sirius smiled fakely. "We'll even go one man down while I get changed." Sirius turned on his heel and walked briskly toward the Gryffindor locker rooms.
When he came back onto the field in his practice uniform with his broom over his shoulder the game was just heating up. James had the quaffle and was speeding toward the Slytherin keeper, Rabastan Lestrange, with a chaser, Rookwood, on his tail. Sirius quickly rose into the air, spotted a bludger, and sent it toward Rookwood. Rookwood spiraled to his right to avoid it as James threw the quaffle powerfully through the middle goal hoop.
"Nice!" shouted Sirius as he sped over to James and high-fived him, swinging around his broomstick in midair.
While they were celebrating, Slytherin chasers Rookwood and Nott had taken the quaffle and were closing in on the Gryffindor keeper. James caught up to them just as they were shooting, darted in front of the goal, and caught the quaffle just before the keeper did.
"Showoff," muttered Sirius, flying up and knocking a bludger past him toward Rosier as James flew skillfully down the field.
As James was about to shoot, Rosier retaliated the bludger straight for James' head. Sirius had to dive in front of him to deflect it. Then three things happened all at once: James scored through the right goal hoop; Sirius' bludger hit Rosier right in the groin; and Charlie Weasley whooped in triumph. Sirius and James were too busy celebrating the former two to notice the latter.
Charlie cleared his throat. "Hey guys?"
They turned to see Charlie's outstretched hand clasped around the small golden snitch and smiled. Rosier had frozen when the bludger hit, but now he grabbed and groaned, rolling off of his broom onto the pitch some five feet below. The Gryffindor team landed and gathered around second year, Charlie Weasley, congratulating him.
Sirius hit the ground with a backward glance at Rosier. "Walk it off."
"Yeah, off of our field!" added James victoriously.
As the Slytherin team trudged back up to the castle, James put Charlie in a headlock and ruffled his hair affectionately. "Knew you could do it, Chuck! Knew you could do it! Damn, this kid's good!"
The team laughed and decided that they'd had enough practice. They stayed on the field, re-enacting Evan Rosier's brush with a bludger, Sirius starring as Rosier.
Later that evening they had retreated to the common room and Sirius was working on his list in a secluded corner.
"What's Sirius working so diligently on?" Lily asked James as they sat by the fire.
"That essay for first years," responded James. "He's taking it very seriously."
"Sirius doesn't take anything seriously," contradicted Lily.
"Oh look, my darling baby cousin," said Sirius sarcastically.
The four of them watched as Sirius' younger cousin, Bellatrix, strolled arrogantly across the grounds, pointedly not looking in Sirius' direction. The usual Slytherin entourage was accompanying her. She was very beautiful, with long black wavy hair and a slender figure, but her eyes showed her true colors. They were dark, venomous, and almost always squinting critically at everyone around her. Bellatrix and the the six or seven Slytherins with her stopped in front of two girls lying on the grass under a birch tree. One looked similar to Bellatrix, except that her hair was as straight as could be and her eyes could only be described as the exact opposite of Bella's: blue and benignant. The other girl's hair was short and brown with eyes to match. The two of them looked up questioningly at Bellatrix.
"Now Bellatrix, I told you a million times I wasn't gonna let you copy my astronomy! Just when will prefects like you learn that cheating gets you nowhere," said the black haired girl nonchalantly as she gathered the papers that were spread on the grass in front of her and got her feet. The girl next to her did the same.
Sirius motioned for James, Peter, and Remus to follow him as he snuck closer to them. "I have a feeling I might not want to miss this."
Bellatrix let out a cruel laugh. "Guess that explains why I'm a prefect and you're not, Raven!"
"Being the smartest fifth year in the Slytherin house isn't much to boast about, Bella. In fact, I'd keep it on the down low if I were you."
Chapter 5 - Badgering Bellatrix
"Why you snotty little bitch! How many times have I told you, Ashe, that mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble one of these days?" whined Bellatrix.
"About the same number of times as I've told you have the face of a saint..."
Bellatrix stared at her in confusion, and then looked at her Slytherin entourage for an explanation.
"...A saint bernard," Raven finished. The brunette burst into laughter and Raven smiled sweetly at Bellatrix.
Bella practically growled at her. "You know, Raven, it isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time!"
Raven rolled her eyes and took a step closer to Bellatrix. "Black, my friend, I appreciate the wit, but from trash like you I take no shit. C'mon, Jordan." She nudged past her and retreated into the castle, with the brunette following her.
Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter turned and exchanged glances. Sirius watched Raven's long black hair blow over her shoulder as she approached the castle.
"Who was that?" he asked dreamily.
Since James and Peter shrugged, Sirius turned to Remus. "Raven Ashe," he responded. "She's a fifth year."
"You know her?" Sirius asked.
"Met her in our third year. She's nice."
"She's hot, and she hates my cousin!" blurted Sirius. "She's a Gryffindor! How come I've never seen her before?"
Remus shrugged. "She kinda keeps to herself, I guess."
"Must be why Bella takes every chance she can get," said James.
"Hey, Moon-pie, wanna fix me up with her?" pleaded Sirius, raising his eyebrows twice.
Chapter 6 - Prongs' Potion
"Sirius, are you gonna eat that?" asked Peter, eyeing Sirius' bacon with interest.
Sirius was sucking on his quill distractedly and as Peter prodded his arm, he merely began to scribble onto the parchment in front of him:
26 - Not allowed to accuse Moaning Myrtle of sexual harrassment.
27 - Not allowed to trade Quidditch balls (i.e. the quaffle, bludgers, and snitch...actually James kept the snitch) for inflatable sheep.
28 - Not allowed to release enchanted inflated sheep into the dungeons to test the Care of Magical Creatures Professor's competency in his trade.
29 - Not allowed to die... Seriously, I'm not allowed to die or drown! (especially while testing a potion or swimming in the lake)
A flock of owls suddenly swooped into the Great Hall where most students were finishing up their breakfasts. Sirius' spotted his black owl heading for him and let out a sigh.
After Wheaton had landed in his eggs, Sirius untied the Daily Prophet from his leg, glanced at the front page, and then threw it across the table to James.
"Cannons lost again."
"Suprise, surprise," said James, unfolding the paper and scanning the article.
"Sirius?" asked Peter.
Sirius began waving his fingers tauntingly as Wheaton playfully nipped at them.
"Wheaton?" asked Lily. "Where on earth did you get that from?"
Sirius shrugged. "I think it has dignity."
"Sirius?...Sirius?" tried Peter again.
Re: Chapter 6 - Prongs' Potion
"Jesus Christ, Pete!" snapped Sirius. He threw the bacon onto Peter's plate. "I'll see you on the field, Jay."
Sirius stood and hurried out of the Great Hall. He went straight down to the Gryffindor locker rooms.
"Did ya bring it?" asked Charlie excitedly as Sirius entered the room.
Sirius put on a smile. "Bring what?"
"The potion, Sirius, the potion!" encouraged Mundungus.
"No, I left it in the dorms. I didn't want James to get suspicious I asked your brother to bring--"
Pinching his nose and holding a bottle of bright blue liquid as far away from him as his arm would allow, Bill Weasley suddenly burst through the door, his flaming hair whipping behind him. "What in the hell is this stuff, Sirius?"
"Wouldn't you like to know," said Sirius, taking the potion from Bill and bringing an opaque red water bottle down from the shelf in his locker.
He quickly poured the blue stuff into the water bottle and then vanished the potion bottle. He set the red water bottle on a bench between two rows of lockers.
Bill, Charlie, and Mundungus were watching Sirius expectantly.
"You'll see. I don't want to give it away."
"But I wanna see! James'll get suspicious if I'm in here while you guys are getting ready for the game!"
Sirius opened his locker all the way and motioned for Bill to get inside.
"Brilliant," said Bill. He climbed in just as the rest of the team started to file in and change for the match.
Mundungus began to laugh excitedly and Sirius gave him a reproachful look.
He spoke in an undertone, "Dung, you're going to give it away! Now am I gonna have to shut you up?" He rose his wand for full effect.
Mundungus shook his head, gave Sirius a smile, and then covered his mouth.
Chapter 7 - Quidditch, Marauder Style
Chapter 7 - Quidditch, Marauder Style
"The game is Quiddich, kids...strip Quiddich. The rules are simple: four on four, the team that is scored on has to take off an article of clothing until...there isn't anything else to take off." Sirius grinned briefly and winked at Lily, Raven, and Jordan as they stood on the Quiddich pitch in their pajamas with their hands on their hips. "There's no snitch or seaker, no bludgers or beaters. One person from each team has to be the goalie unless you want your ass kicked."
Raven leaned over and spoke out of the corner of her mouth to Jordan and Lily, "I picked a bad night not to wear a bra to bed."
Lily's eyes darted around her for any sign of a teacher. "I'm more worried about getting caught outside."
Sirius continued, "We'll play four goals wins. Four goals, four articles of clothing. For guys, it's robes, shirts, pajama pants and boxers. For girls, it's shirts, bras, pajama pants, and underwear."
Raven made a sound and raised her hand.
Sirius stopped. "Yes, Ms. Ashe?" he played the role of teacher.
"What if we don't...have..." she couldn't find the words, but Sirius knew what she meant. His eyes darted to her chest and she quickly crossed her arms in front of her. "Maybe you should have planned this a little better."
"You sleep in a sweatshirt?" he asked her.
"No," Raven gritted her teeth. "I have a tank top under this, but it's white and it's about to rain."
A smile slowly crept along Sirius' face. "So then for girls, it's shirts, skivvies, pants, and underwear."
"Boxers," she corrected him.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ashe, you take all the fun outta life. Aren't you girls supposed to wear some cute little bra with matching underwear to bed?"
"All the girls you've dated must have been secretly hookers," snapped Raven.
"The point is," said James, before Sirius could answer Raven, "everyone has to be wearing only four pieces of clothing. Are we covered? There are three of us who play on the house team, so we need to split up."
Re: Chapter 7 - Quidditch, Marauder Style
Lily immediately clung to James' arm, knowing that since he actually played a chaser, she would have a better chance of staying clothed if she was on his team.
Remus decided he'd be keeper for Raven, Mundungus, and Peter while Lily was forced to be keeper for Sirius, Jordan, and James.
Mundungus started out with the quaffle and threw it to Peter, who dropped it. Dung turned to roll her eyes at Remus while Sirius scooped it up and threw it to James. James expertly dodged through the air as if there were bludgers coming at him and threw the quaffle towards the goal. Remus caught it before it went through the hoops and threw it to Raven. Raven caught it and sped off toward Lily. Jordan sped after her, but Mundungus grabbed onto the back of her broomstick.
Sirius cut Raven off halfway down the field and flew backwards, facing her. Raven moved to the left and Sirius moved to his right. She moved to her right, and he blocked her moving to his left. She moved to the left again and just as Sirius followed she went into a deep dive underneath him. She came back up from the dive so fast that Lily wasn't ready and the quaffle went through the middle hoop.
"Yow!" yelled Remus from the other end of the field. Peter and Raven joined Remus and Dung, clapping their hands.
Sirius shook his head and shrugged off his robe. James did the same, and then he turned to watch Lily. She lifted her sweatshirt over her head only to reveal a dark blue t-shirt. James sighed. Jordan did the same, thanking Merlin that she had decided to wear a blank tank top underneath.
There was a crack of thunder and the six of them jumped. "Um...should we be playing in this weather?" asked Peter.
Albus Dumbledore leaned forward on his fists and spoke quietly and calmly, "And how exactly does one play strip Quidditch?"
The eight of them immediately looked at the ground. It was obvious what they had been doing when he had met them in the entrance hall. They were all in folding chairs scattered in a circle around the headmaster's desk and soaking wet. James, on the far right, was grasping Lily's hand. Lily sat next to him shivering from her damp clothes and shaking nervously. Peter sat next to Lily, clutching his cloak around his naked upper body and blowing his nose into it. Sirius came next, wearing a mischievous smirk that was directed towards Raven Ashe. Raven wore only purple boxer shorts and a white, sodden tank top, but Sirius had taken his sopping wet cloak and draped it around her shoulders. Jordan was at least fully dressed, but was still shivering under her cloak. Remus gave her a sympathetic look as he sat, bare chested with his own cloak drawn around him. Mundungus, on the far left, was also only half dressed, but seemed wide awake and was constantly looking from Raven to Sirius and winking at the latter.
Chapter 8 ~ Diarrhea Of the Mouth
Chapter 8 - Diarrhea of the Mouth
"Hey Ashe, I waited for you all night!" Sirius called down the corridor as he spotted Raven and Jordan coming out of charms and retreating in the opposite direction.
Whether Raven didn't hear him, or was pretending not to hear him, Sirius didn't know, but he assumed it was the latter. He shook his head, "Man, that girl sure does hate me."
"But that doesn't bother you at all, right?" asked Remus, giving him a knowing look.
"It's not as if I've never been turned down before, Moony..."
Remus stopped walking and rose his eyebrows at Sirius.
"...It's just that I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."
Remus gave a sarcastic laugh.
"So you think she might like me a little bit?"
Now Remus really laughed. "No."
Sirius just smiled conspiratorially as he and Remus continued on down the corridor to their next class. "She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine."
Walking along the dungeon corridor, their pace slowed. Sirius flung out an arm to hold Remus back before they reached the door.
"I don't think I can do this."
Re: Chapter 8 ~ Diarrhea Of the Mouth
Remus sighed. "Sirius, you want to be an Auror."
"To even qualify for Auror training you have to take potions...remember?"
"Well, you could take notes for me, mate," declared Sirius, clapping Remus on the shoulder.
"I could...but I won't," he responded. "There's always James."
Sirius turned hopefully to James, who was just rounding the corner with Lily. "Jay! Best buddy in the whole world!"
"Trust me, Sirius, you don't wanna skip today," said James, watching Lily enter the potions classroom and beckoning Sirius toward him.
"No, you don't." James reached into a pocket and pulled out several glossy candies. Two were transparent, one blue and one red, and the third was an opaque purple. Each had a wrapper to match. A devious grin slowly spread across Sirius' lips. "How could I have forgotten?"
"Now remember, Padfoot, be convincing!" said James, winking and entering the classroom.
Sirius followed James. His eyes darted around the room and came to rest on Severus Snape, standing only a few feet from the door. He grabbed James's arm roughly and spun him around.
"C'mon, man, give me one! You can't have them all to yourself!"